Elder Sister Resilience

Society often glorifies our resilience, but rarely imagines our rest, joy, or expansion.

Throughout my young life, I am continuously reminded and praised for my mature, wise, intellectual and resilient nature and approach to life. I get told very often that I leave lasting and impactful impressions on people- unintentionally on my part. The conversation finishes up with them feeling astonished, seen, heard, understood and making them think about things differently.

Although, these remarks and praises are great to hear and validates my character and the things I stand for - it guides me to ponder on the idea of being the “go-getter, the one with all the answers and has it all together.” Comments such as “the strong young woman” a label that I consistently get told, and yes- I am very strong and I’ve been through a lot of ugly experiences in my life that has made me who I am today, but- when do I get to be able to rest and truly be “soft”?

This summer has allowed me to do a lot of self reflection. Watching the show, “Love Island USA: Season 7” (I don’t even watch TV, reality TV, at that) and witnessing individuals such as Olandria Carthen, a Black Woman, who’s back story and experience on the show mirrors my own. It gave me even more insight on this discussion and ultimately became the catalyst behind my need to delve into this topic. In the Casa Amor section of the season and the elimination that made viewers and the islanders think she was being booted from the Island, we were able to get a glimpse of Olandria’s emotional side. A side of herself that you can see she worked hard to hide and protect, especially as a dark skin Black Woman on national television. At the end of the episode we see the other women and Olandria crying in the dressing room, with the women hysterically crying and screaming, not understanding how and why she’s being eliminated, because of her great character. They were taken back by her demeanor and how they all were more emotional than she was, over her own elimination. To which she responded saying, “I’ve always had to be strong”. Then in her own confessional before leaving, we see her lower her guard for a moment and speak about her being single for five years and just wanting love. Seeing this made me emotional, as throughout the whole show, and especially this moment, her story and experience resonated with me, tremendously. Olandria had briefly discussed in earlier episodes about being an older sister and having to be a pillar and safe space for those around her, all of her life.

Her story posses a very identical feeling and experience of my own. As I am an older sister, on both parental sides. Along with being raised alongside my cousins, a few being younger and having to step into the third parental role. This role launched me into the hyper-independent young woman that I am today. Recently I came to a realization that throughout my life, when it comes to friendship, all of my close friendships have been with other women who are either the youngest of their siblings or an only child. It’s no wonder that I usually end up taking on the role of “the mom” in any friend group that I’ve been apart of. It’s been ingrained into me to take care of others and provide a safe space of support for others. Whether that support was emotional/mental, physical or financial. I always made myself available, even when I was silently going through my own troubles. I used to feel that if I’m not doing any of these tasks, I’m not being a good person, friend, family member or romantic partner. These being traits that I won’t completely toss to the side, because it’s in my nature to be a nurturing person. However, as I am stepping into adulthood, I’m having to shed that mentality and build firm boundaries with myself and others, no matter the dynamic. The things that I used to allow, no longer fly, and I don't allow for dynamics in my life that aren’t pouring into me, as much as I am for them.

To circle back to my beginning point, society often glorifies our resilience, but rarely imagines our rest, joy, or expansion. It’s interesting to see and understand that when you finally start to choose yourself, center yourself and tell others to do the same, you’re bashed. As I mentioned previously, this summer has been eye and soul awakening, in every aspect of my life, and has allowed me to start putting myself first and learning to take a step back. No longer being so readily available for others and standing firm in my boundaries. Becoming comfortable with unapologetically speaking my mind and thoughts, despite some of the pushback. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become less comfortable with sharing too much of my life online or sharing too much of my thoughts, despite the praise I would receive when I finally let my fear go. I’d make motivational videos or advice/commentary videos and reactions, but would end up archiving it, or it’d just be a 24 hour story post, so it wouldn’t feel too permanent. However, I’ve finally put my foot forward and am working towards building my platforms. I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone and ended up sharing my thoughts, mottos and affirmations that have helped me with my journey of healing. Even through a video such as that, I received pushback and ended up being played as the villain. However, something I am learning is, it is okay to be the ‘villain’. The ‘villain’ is often times the bearer of truth and accountability, something that a lot of people can’t handle and don't want to handle. The real life example of Olandria and her experience on the show, as well as the treatment from some of the islanders and watchers throughout the show and after has been eye opening. Olandria was portrayed to be someone that is very poised, composed, well spoken, nurturing, caring and the realest person of the season. Being praised and coined as the “mother” or “queen” of the villa. We saw her keep herself composed even at times where her “crash out” would’ve been well justified, she still kept her emotions at bay. However, the one time she finally erupts during a challenge, and even still composed herself through it, she’s bashed by the majority and portrayed to be the “angry Black Woman”. Instead of the justifiably hurt, confused and frustrated Black Woman, that she was in that moment. In hindsight, its been a win to see her elevation after the show. Her being vindicated of being portrayed as “desperate” for Taylor throughout the first half of the season.  As well as being catapulted into stardom, with her passions for modeling coming into fruition and in a healthy, reciprocal love and relationship with Nic. We see and heard from her own lips, that it feels so good to finally put herself first, as it’s something she’s never done before, and that spoke to my soul.

 It’s through my various life experiences, this summer, plus seeing and resonating with Olandria, that has allowed me to finally choose me. Not allowing any hinderance, other people, places, time, day to day stressors to block my blessings. I hope whoever is reading this, takes away the key lesson of choosing self. Learning to learn yourself, understand and see yourself. Love yourself, validate yourself, value your time, energy, and being.  No one said that it is an easy journey but it’s not an impossible one either. One of the many quotes that one of my aunts consistently tell me is, “the race is not for the swift but those who can endure”. A paraphrasing that stems from the Bible, verse Ecclesiastes 9:11. Although, I am not religious, it is a very significant and powerful statement. One that speaks volumes and shines a light at the end of the tunnel to my life. As I hope it does for others. Society often glorifies our resilience, but rarely imagines our rest, joy, or expansion. That’s why it is up to us to redirect the vision of what society wants and expects and learn to center what we desire, and expect.

 On my YouTube channel, I plan to expand on this discussion with visuals and definitions of the “Elder Sister to Hyper-Independent Woman Pipeline”. Be sure to be on the lookout for it soon. (AngelInReelTime)

💭 Let’s Reflect Together:

1. Do you have passion projects that you’ve wanted to accomplish but was hindered by outside distractions? What were/are these hinderances/distractions and are they truly the things that are holding you back, or is it really you stopping you?

2. Do you feel like your upbringing has had a major impact on your life and the decisions you make? Has it been positive and or negative and what ways are you redirecting or rewiring your thinking?

3. I challenge all readers to journal, as although I am biased, because of my love for writing, it’s a very healing activity. A few journal questions, that’s therapist recommended ( shoutout to “momplusfive5” on TikTok) ask yourself, “What am I pretending to not know? What part of me am I ashamed to show? Who do I keep forgiving to avoid being alone? What’s the pay off for staying stagnant? What am I blaming my parents or upbringing for that I now continue to perpetuate as an adult? Where in my life am I waiting to be rescued and why? What boundaries do I not enforce and why? When did I start to believe my voice didn’t matter? What version of myself am I still trying to protect and hide? What am I afraid will happen if I truly change?”

   
   

Share your thoughts or take a moment to journal it all for yourself. As I recommend journaling-always. One of the best forms of therapy and self care. Either way, this space is for community. ❤️✨